CHAP. IV.
Indirect Instructions, and that Children ought not to be urged.
I AM persuaded it would be right to make frequent use of such indirect instructions, as are not so tiresome as lessons and remonstrances, meerly to awaken their attention to those examples we would lay before them.
One person may sometimes say to another in their hearing, why did you act in that manner? and the other may answer, for such and such a reason: for instance, why did you acknowledge your fault? because it would have been a greater to disavow it meanly by the help of a lie; and nothing sounds handsomer than to say frankly, I was in the wrong; upon this, let the first commend him for thus passing sentence upon himself: but all this should be carried without affectation; for children have more penetration than is generally thought, and as sure as they discover any artifice in their governors, they fall off from that simplicity and reliance so natural to them.
We have formerly remarked that the brain of infants is very hot and moist, which therefore subjects them to be in continual motion. This softness of the brain is the reason why the images of all sensible objects impress themselves thereon very easily, and in very lively characters: we should not let slip this opportune season; but then, be careful in our choice of the images to be engraved, for in a receptacle so small and so precious, none but very valuable things ought to be deposited; nothing but what we may wish to remain there during life. The first let of images engraven while the brain is so soft, and entirely unoccupied, are always the deepest: as it dries they harden, and become indelible; hence it is, that though grown old, we remember the passages of our youth, through a long space of time, distinctly; but those of our more advanced age, in a much slighter manner, because those traces were drawn in the brain already dried and marked with many other figures.
Perhaps this kind of reasoning will with difficulty be admitted; nevertheless, it is certain every one talks in this way without perceiving it: do we not say every day, I have taken my biass, I am too old to change, I was brought up to this? and besides, is there not a particular pleasure in recalling the images of our youth? the strongest inclinations, are they not such as were taken at that age? and does not all this prove that the first impressions and first habits are the most prevalent?
Now, though infancy is the fittest season for engraving images on the brain, yet it must be confessed, not to be the same with respect to reasoning: that humidity, which so easily admits impression, being joined to a great degree of warmth, is productive of an unsettledness that is an enemy to close application: their brain is in the condition of a lighted taper, exposed to the air; its flame perpetually wavering: a child asks a question, and before you can answer, his eyes are upon the wainscot, counting all the figures painted there; or all the pieces of glass that compose the windows. To force him back to his first object, is, as it were, to put him in confinement. So then it behoves us with great care to temporise with the organs till they are grown firm; answer his question directly, and let him ask others as he likes; entertain his curiosity only, and furnish his memory with a stock of good materials. The time will come when they will assemble of themselves, and the brain having obtained a consistence, the child will reason of course; at which time, when he happens not to reason justly, confine yourself to setting him right, and letting him see, without emotion, as he shall give you an opportunity, what it is to draw a true consequence. Suffer a child therefore, to have his play, and mingle instruction with it, that wisdom may not shew herself to him but at intervals, and ever with a smiling countenance: take care, I say, of tiring him with indiscrete exactness:
If a child once forms to himself a frightful and gloomy idea of virtue, if self-will and irregularity appear to his eyes in a pleasing shape, all is lost; your endeavours are in vain: therefore keep him ever from the flatteries of the narrow-minded and the profligate. We grow to love the manners and sentiments of the persons we love; the pleasure found for the time in the company of immoral people, draws us on by degrees to esteem those very qualities in them which are most to be abominated.
In order to give children a liking to the well-disposed, bring them to remark all that in them is both amiable and profitable; their sincerity, their modesty, their disinterestedness, fidelity, and discretion; but above every thing, their piety, which is the source of all. Should it happen that any such have something about them disagreeable and disgusting, you may say, these defects take not their rise from Piety; she eradicates, or at least abates them.
Though you should keep strict watch over yourself never to let him see in you ought but what is right, yet expect not that your defects will escape him; frequently he will perceive some of your minutest failings. St. Austin tells us, that he in his infancy remarked the vanity of his masters in their respective professions. The best step you can take, and the most important, is, to be as well acquainted with your own defects as will the child, and to get some sincere friends to advertise you of them. Generally speaking, those who have the government of children, pardon nothing in them, and every thing in themselves; this excites in the young ones a spirit of criticism and ill-nature, insomuch, that when ever they can espie any fault in the governor, they are quite delighted; what they want is, a reason to hold him in contempt. Avoid this inconvenience, nor fear to speak of your visible defects, nor of the errors that have escaped you in his presence: as you find him capable of hearing reason, say that you are desirous to set him an example of correcting his errors by correcting your own. Thus will you draw from your imperfections themselves matter of instruction and edification for the child, and give him courage to bear correction; thus will you escape that contempt and disgust which your failings might give him for your person.
At the same time it is necessary to take all methods to render the things you require of him agreeable; suppose some particular one should be in its nature unpleasant, assure him that his trouble will be followed with satisfaction; explain the usefulness of what you would teach him; shew him the relation it bears to the commerce of the world, and the duties of his station; without this, study will appear an abstract, barren, and thorny piece of work; to what purpose, will they say to themselves, is it to learn all these things which are never mentioned in conversation, and have no relation to what one is obliged to do. It is necessary therefore to give them the reason for teaching them: it is, we may say, to put you in a capacity of doing well, what one day will be your duty. It is to form your judgment; it is to use you to reason well upon the affairs of life. One should always place in their view some truly useful and agreeable end, that will keep up the spirit of application; but never pretend to force them to it by meer tyrannical authority.
Never assume, without extreme necessity, an austere and imperious air, such as makes children tremble. It is for the most part affectation and pedantry in governesses; for as to children, they are generally but too meek and bashful: it is the way to harden their hearts, and to destroy that trust and reliance, without which no fruit of education is to be expected. Make yourself beloved by them, that they may be free with you, and not fear to let you see their faults; to bring this about, be indulgent to those of them who act without disguise; seem neither astonished, nor provoked at their bad inclinations; on the contrary, bear with their weaknesses: sometimes this inconvenience will arise, that they will be under less restraint of fear, yet upon the whole, a reliance and a sincerity kept up will be more serviceable to them than your exertion of rigorous authority. Authority will at all times take place, when respect and persuasion fail; we should ever begin with an open behaviour, easy, and familiar without meanness; this affords an opportunity of seeing their real tempers, and of knowing them thoroughly. In short, though you should reduce them by dint of authority to the observation of all your rules, the whole would be but a scene of stiff formalities, perhaps of hypocrisy; you would give them a disgust to that good, which it ought to be your sole aim to make them love.
If the wise son of Sirach continually recommends it to parents, ever to keep the rod lifted up over their children; if he hath said, Play with thy child, and he will bring thee to heaviness, it is not that he means to blame a gentle and patient education: he only condemns those weak and inconsiderate parents who flatter the passions of their children, and aim at nothing but to please themselves with them, during their infancy, to such a degree as to indulge them in all kinds of excesses.
The conclusion from this is, that parents ought always to keep authority in reserve for correction; for there are dispositions which must be subdued by fear, but, once again, it is not to be made use of but when we have nothing else left.
A child, who hitherto acts merely by his imagination, and confounds in his head those things that present themselves to him in combination, hates study and virtue, whenever he is prepossessed with an aversion to the person that talks to him of them.
Observe here the source of that gloomy and frightful idea of piety, which he retains all his life: it is often the only part that stays with him of an education of severity.
Frequently it will behove us to tolerate things that require to be corrected; and to watch for the moment in which the spirit of the child shall be disposed to profit by correction. Never reprehend him in his first emotion, nor in your own: if you do it during your own, he will perceive you to be actuated by your mood and over-hastiness, not by reason or friendship to him: you will lose your authority without resource. In case you reprove him in his first emotion, consider he has not his spirit enough at liberty to acknowledge his fault, to overcome his passion, to perceive the importance of your reproof. This is to expose the child to a losing of the respect which he owes you: let him always see you master of yourself, and this your patience will best show him. Watch day after day, if need be, for the favourable moments to introduce reproof. Tell him not of his faults, without adding the method of surmounting them, something that may hearten him to endeavour it; for we must beware of the chagrin and despondency, which mere dry correction brings on.
If one finds the child somewhat reasonable, I believe it right to engage him insensibly to desire to be told of his mistakes, and by this means he will hear them without being afflicted; but even then let him hear but one at a time. It ought to be considered that children have weak heads, and by reason of their age, are sensible of pleasure alone; whereas, there is oft times expected of them an exactness and seriousness of which the very people that require it, are not themselves capable; nay, their very temper receives a dangerous tincture of uneasiness and melancholy from being continually talked to of words and things they understand not: no liberty, no diversion, but always a lesson, silence, a prescribed posture, rebukes, threats. The ancients understood this matter much better; among the Hebrews, Egyptians, and Greeks, the principal sciences, the maxims of virtue, and politeness of manners, were introduced by the delightfulness of verse and music: people that have not read can hardly believe this, so wide is it from our customs; nevertheless, whoever is the least acquainted with history, can have no doubt of its having been the common practice for several ages.
In this our age let us accede so far as to unite the agreeable with the useful, as much as lies in our power.
Now, though with regard to numbers of children whose tempers are difficult to be wrought upon, we cannot hope not to be obliged to make use of fear, yet we should first have tried, with patience, every other remedy.
We ought to make them apprehend distinctly the sum of what we require of them, the very point which would please us; for liveliness of disposition, and their reliance on us ought to be kept up, otherwise their spirit will be dulled, and their courage abated; the bold will be provoked, the gentle made stupid. Fear is like those forcible remedies made use of in violent illnesses, they purge, but they alter the temperament and wear the organs: and thus, amind acted upon by fear is constantly rendered weaker.
[To be continued.]
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