Indirect Instructions, and that Children ought not to be urged.
THE simple pleasures are less poignant, less affecting it is true, the others transport the soul, as they stir the springs of the passions; but the first are most eligible, seeing they afford an equal and durable satisfaction without any evil consequences. They are always benign, whereas those others resemble adulterated wines, that please the palate indeed more than the genuine, but create a thirst and hurt the health; in like manner the temperament of the soul is damaged by a pursuit after pleasures of a quick and poignant nature.
All that we can do for children entrusted to our care, is to use them to a plain way of life, to fortify the habit of it in them for as long as we can; to give them timely apprehensions of the inconveniences consequent to other sorts of pleasure, and never to leave them to their own conduct, as is generally done, just at the time when the passions begin to make themselves be felt, and when, of consequence, there is the greatest necessity for restraint.
It must be confessed, that of all the pains of educating none is comparable to that of bringing up a child who is deficient in sensibility: lively and sensible tempers are subject to terrible deviations; passion and presumption hurry them away, nevertheless have they great resources, and frequently are seen to come back, after having ran great lengths. Instruction is in them a concealed bud that shoots out and some times bears fruit, when experience brings its assistance to reason, and the passions are grown cool; at least one finds something in them, by which to make them attentive and awaken their curiosity; something whereby to interest them in what we would teach, and to affect their sense of honour; whereas we have no hold upon indolent tempers, their thoughts are but the wandering of the mind, they are never where they ought to be; there is no touching them to the quick, even by correction; they hear all, they feel nothing. This indolence make the child negligent, and disgusted with every thing he does; here it is that the best scheme of education runs the risk of failing, in case great diligence is not used to obviate the evil from their earliest infancy.
Many people that do not fathom deep enough, conclude from this ill success, that it is nature which performs all in making men of merit, education nothing; whereas, the true conclusion should be, that some tempers ate like some ungrateful soils, upon which cultivation has but small effect; and the matter is made worse when these edecations so difficult to accomplish are obstructed, or neglected, or badly regulated in the first outset.
Further than this we ought to observe that there are some sorts of tempers which we are apt greatly to mistake; they appear at first pretty and promising, because the early graces of infancy throw a lustre over all: there is an inexpressible something of the tender and amiable, that keeps us off from a close examination of the composition of features; every instance of wit in them surprises, because not expected at that age; all the faultiness of judgment is excused, and carries the grace of ingenuousness; we mistake a certain corporeal vivacity, which never fails to appear in children for mental. Hence it is that infancy seems to promise so much and yields so little. One has been remarkable for his wit at five years old, and in proportion as he grew up, fallen into obscurity or contempt.
Of all the qualities of children, there is but one to be depended on, that is, a good reasoning faculty; this grows up with them, provided it be cultivated; the graces of infancy will fade, the vivacity decay, nay the tenderness of heart often be lost, forasmuch as the passions and converse with a designing world, insensibly harden young people, as they come forward on the stage of life.
Try then to discover, beyond these graces of infancy, whether the disposition which you have to direct, be void of curiosity, or too little sensible to generous emulation. Should this be the case, it is scarce possible but that every person engaged in his education, will quickly be discouraged at so fruitless so knotty a task; wherefore we should endeavour immediately to put in motion every spring of the soul of that child, in order to rouze him from his lethargy. Whenever you perceive this difficulty, do not attempt a series of instruction; take great care not to load his memory, this is what would amaze and oppress the brain; fatigue him not with rules and restrictions; spirit him up, far he is fallen into the contrary extreme to presumption; fear not to demonstrate to him, with discretion, what he is capable of doing; be pleased with a little; make him observe even his smallest success; represent to him how needlesly he was afraid of miscarrying in things that he performs well; set emulation to work; jealousy is more prevalent in children than one would imagine, one may see some of them growing lean and pining with a secret anguish, because others are more loved or more caressed than themselves. It is a cruelty too commonly found among mothers, to make them suffer this torment; nevertheless, on pressing occasions, we ought to be skilled in the use of this antidote to indolence. Shew the child other children that hardly do better than he; for examples disproportioned to his weakness would discourage him utterly: from time to time give him little victories over his rivals; bring him, if possible, to laugh freely with you at his own timidity; point out some as fearful as himself that have got the better of their disposition; inform him, but indirectly, as it were speaking of others, that want of courage, and idleness, sti […]le the soul; that the listless, and the inattentive, whatever genius they may have, destroy their own faculties and degrade themselves.
But beware of speaking with an austere and impatient tone of voice; for nothing so confounds a dull and faint-hearted child as harshness; on the contrary, bend all your care to season with ease and pleasure proportionable to his temper every task you desire he should perform; and perhaps upon proper occasions it would not be amiss to irritate him by some degree of contempt, and some reproaches, but not by yourself in person; let another do it, an inferior, or another child, without your seeming to know what passes.
St. Austin relates, that one single reproach of a servant wench cast upon his mother Monica when a girl, so shocked her, as immediately to make her leave off drinking wine unmixed, a bad habit which not all the violence and severity of her governess had been able to keep her from: in short, we must endeavour to raise up a taste in the minds of these kind of children, in like manner as is practised with regard to the palates of some sick people; these are permitted to try every thing to cure their want of relish; their fancies are complied with, even at the expence of propriety of physical rule, provided they do not run to a dangerous excess. It is much more difficult to inspire with a taste those who are without one, than to regulate it in others where it is not such as it ought to be.
There is another sort of sensibility, which to excite is still more difficult, and more important, and that is friendship; the moment a child is capable, no time should be lost in turning his affections towards their proper objects, persons who will be of service to him.
By friendship he will be led to every thing that can be desired of him: it is a sure attachment to draw him to his good, provided we know how to make use of it: all that is to be feared is either too excessive, or ill-placed affections.
But there are other children that are born politic, close, unconcerned, but drawing every thing secretly to their own ends: they deceive their parents, whose tenderness makes them credulous; they pretend to love them; they study their inclinations, in order to conform to them; they seem more docile than other children of their age, who act without disguise, as it were upon honour; their suppleness, while it conceals a stubborn self-will, has the appearance of true and innate gentleness; and their real temper, long dissembled, does not entirely display itself till the opportunity of reforming it is past and gone.
If there is a temper upon which education can have no effect, we may say this is it; and at the same time must own, that the number of such is greater than will be easily imagined. Parents cannot quickly come into the belief that their child has a bad heart; and what they will not see themselves, no others will have the courage to try to convince them of, and thus the evil augments continually; the principal remedy would be, to give them entire liberty from their earliest infancy of shewing their disposition: before we correct we must know them thoroughly. Naturally, they are plain and open; but, constrain them never so little, give them but an example of disguise, they never come back to the original simplicity. True it is, that God alone bestoweth a tender and good heart: we can but incite, by examples of generosity, by maxims of honesty and disinterestedness, by manifesting contempt for persons guilty of too much self-love.
We must endeavour, before they have parted with this first simplicity of the most natural motions of the mind, to give them a taste for cordial and reciprocal friendship. This purpose cannot be better promoted than by bringing such persons about them as shall never display any thing harsh, false, low, or interested. It would be right again to command them for any thing they have done out of friendship, provided it be not very wrong placed or carried too far. Their parents likewise should appear full of love and kindness for them; for children often learn of their own parents to love nothing: and besides all this, I am even for cutting off, in their presence, all superfluous compliments to friends, and all sorts of false caresses, as from whence they get a custom of paying with empty shews, persons they ought really to love. There is a defect quite contrary to this we have been speaking of, and which is often to be found in a young woman, and that is, to interest themselves passionately in matters merely indifferent. They cannot see two persons at variance without heartily espousing one side or the other; their affections and aversions run high without proper grounds: in the party they happen to esteem, they can see no defects, in whom they happen to dislike, no one good quality. Now this is not to be directly opposed; for contradiction makes these fancies more obstinate; but we must remark by little and little, to the young person, that we are better acquainted than her with every good quality of her favourite, and with every bad one of the object of her dislike: at the same time, take care to point out, as occasion serves, the inconvenience of some defects in the agreeable person, as well as the convenience of certain advantageous qualities to be found in the person under her displeasure. Do not press the matter, you will find she will come to of herself.
This done, lay before her consideration her strong prejudices in their most unreasonable circumstances, and say gently, that she will hereafter be as sensible of others which at present prevail with her, when they have had their course.
Relate similar mistakes of your own at her time of life; but principally demonstrate, as clearly as you are able, the great mixture of good and evil in every object of our love or hatred, thereby to abate the intenseness of her friendships and aversions.
As to rewards which you shall promise children, never let them consist in matters of dress, or any trifling ornaments, it is doing them a double mischief; first giving them an esteem for what they ought to despise, and secondly disabling yourself from establishing such things for rewards as would in their nature assist your endeavours. Be very careful not to threaten them, with obliging them to study, and keeping them under certain rules: let as little as possible be said about rules; and when there is no avoiding such a practice, let us get into it, without giving any name, but only a reason drawn from convenience for doing so and so at one certain time, or in one place rather than another.
Were we never to praise children when they do well, there would be a hazard of discouraging them; therefore, although praise is somewhat dangerous, on account of conceit, we must venture to make use of it, so far as may animate without making them giddy.
We see that St. Paul, to encourage the weak, frequently intermixes commendations, that his rebukes may be more readily received—the fathers of the church do the same. It is true, to render them useful, it is necessary so to qualify them as to keep clear of exaggeration or flattery, referring every good to God, as the only source thereof.
Recompense children we may by means of innocent plays that have some ingenuity in them; by walking out with them; by improving conversation; by little presents given like so many prizes, such as pictures or prints, or medals, or geographical cartes, or books prettily bound and gilt.
[To be continued.]
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