MADAM,
I Take up my pen once more to give you the remainder of my sad story; and am pleased to find that many of your female readers express a just abhorrence of the character of Belinda. I feel my heart too much affected with the remembrance of the sorrows she occasioned me, to enter into a detail of all her little artifices to ensnare the heart of my husband: there was an endless variety in her temper, which kept his attention perpetually awake, and prevended all satiety; and she had so perfect a command of her features, that whatever disposition she pleased to assume, her countenance expressed it as naturally as if she really felt it.
My husband grew every day more fond of the company of one who always presented a new face to him, sometimes airy and sparkling, sometimes tender and melancholy, now haughty and imperious, then softened into a gentle languishment. While I was ignorant of her insidious design, I diverted myself with her fantastic behaviour; but Alcander now discovered such an extreme attachment to her, that I began to grow uneasy. I was afraid of examining into the nature of my own doubts and fears; the suspicion that my Alcander was grown indifferent to me, and loved another, was something so new, so strange, so shocking to my heart, that I rejected it with horror; yet spite of myself I sought the melancholy conviction, and found it in his looks, his words, and every circumstance of his behaviour.
My first thought was to expostulate with him upon his change; but my pride opposed this, and reason told me that upbraidings would not recal his affections: I resolved, therefore to seem ignorant of my misfortune, and flattering myself that when my dangerous guest had left me, the impression she had made would be removed, I patiently waited for her departure.
When she told me of her intention to return to London in a day or two, my heart bounded with joy, and I scorned to dissemble so far as to desire her to stay any longer; but what became of me! when turning my eyes upon Alcander, I saw him pale as death, and unable to utter a word, so greatly was he affected with the thoughts of parting. At length recovering himself, he solicited her to stay some time longer, with such beseeching looks, and such earnestness of intreaty, that finding myself unable to support this scene, I rose up, and complaining of a sudden indisposition, retired to my chamber.
My husband followed me immediately; and I, eager to admit every thought that could give me comfort, considered this as an effect of his tenderness and concern for me; but I was soon undeceived: he came only to reprove me for my incivility to my guest, in not pressing her to stay longer; and he had the cruelty to desire I would use my undeavours to keep her with us.
I answered nothing, but burst into tears. Alcander, who doubtless knew the cause, and dreaded an explanation, left the room without taking any notice of my disorder. Oh, how unlike was this to his former behaviour! I thought I should have died with grief; but pride and resentment came to my aid: I resolved not to add to Belinda’s triumph, by suffering my uneasiness to appear. I therefore composed my looks; and when she came with an affected solicitude to enquire after my health, she found me in appearance easy and tranquil.
My husband finding me fully determined not to hinder Belinda from leaving us, declared his intention to go to London, and coldly asked me if it would be agreeable to me? I replied, that I would certainly accompany him; so we all set out together. Belinda and I parted with great indifference on both sides. I dropt all intercourse with her; and this put my husband into so bad a humour, that he treated me with the most mortifying neglect.
My father was dead: my mother, who loved me tenderly, and was attentive to the behaviour of my husband, soon perceived the estrangement of his affections. In her bosom I poured out all my sorrows, and regulated my conduct by her prudence: she recommended to me patience and silence; and above all, conjured me to keep the fatal secret from my brother; his temper was rash and impetuous; he was extremely fond of me, and every thing was to be dreaded from his resentment, if my husband’s injurious treatment ever came to his knowledge. This however it was impossible to prevent; my unhappy situation became generally known, so open was Alcander in his neglect of me, and his gallantries to Belinda.
My brother expostulated with him upon his behaviour: the event was what my mother and I had often apprehended; they fought, Alcander was wounded; he was brought home in a chair, in a very weak condition. I swooned at the sight of him, and when I recovered I found myself in my mother’s arms: she informed me my brother was not hurt, and that Alcander’s surgeons had assured her he was not in the least danger. The horrors I had laboured under were relieved by this news, but my peace was lost for ever. I attended my husband constantly during his illness, which was but of short continuance; he received my cares with a coldness that pierced me to the heart; and when he was so far recovered as to be able to go into the country, he gave me to understand that he would dispense with my company there.
I was beginning to expostulate with him; but he stopped my mouth, by telling me with a determined air, that he never could pardon me for having exposed him to the insult he had received from my brother; that I had made it impossible for him to alter his conduct, since the world would construe it into a base fear of my brother: he concluded, with advising me to go and reside with my mother, and without waiting for my answer, left me.
I will not attempt to describe the various passions which tortured me by turns; but fond as I still was of my faithless husband, the indignation I felt for his unworthy usage of me, helped to support my spirits, and hindered me from yielding to the violence of my grief. I put myself under my mother’s protection, and resigned myself quietly to my fate.
My husband a few months afterwards went to Italy, disgusted, as I have heard, with the behaviour of Belinda; who, to recover her reputation, which this affair had greatly sullied, sacrificed him to her mirth upon all occasions, and made her contempt of him as public as his attachment to her had been. Her triumph however was short: she experienced the greatest misfortune that could happen to a woman who thought beauty the supremest good: she was seized with the small-pox, which made such ravage in her face that she was hardly to be known: her passion for admiration still remains, though the power of exciting it is gone. Hence arises her punishment; and she who delighted in giving pain to others, finds in herself a perpetual source of vexation. I am,
Madam,
Your Obliged Humble Servant, PERDITA.